totally rambling

October 7, 2006 at 8:44 pm (faith, Family, goats, homeschooling, nygerian dwarf goats, parenting, smatterings)

Being a single mom, with 4 kids, I rarely have time to have a thought of my own. By this, I mean, that most of my thoughts revolve around my kids and the house. “Laundry, dishes, baths/showers, cleaning, change diaper again (working on potty training), stop hitting, don’t chase the dog, clean up your room, breakfast, lunch, dinner ( not just fixing, but trying to think of what to fix), mowing the lawn…” and the list goes on, all day, every day, from the moment I wake until #4 finally goes to bed. And since I homeschool the older two, and am starting on Mr K, after they go to bed I work on lesson plans for the next day. What to do in math, english, spelling, writing, science and soon history. Now don’t misunderstand, im not complaining. Just simply stating a fact. I often feel like im just going through the day in a fog. Like a robot, from one chore onto the next. Continuous, through-out every day. Never ending. My oldest does like to help out as much as she can. She is quite the little mommy. But she is still a kid and I would like her to be able to just be a kid. Not have to grow up too quick.

Blondie Girl had to write a couple sentences the other day about someone that she would like to be. She thought for a couple minutes, and then proclaimed “ I want to be like you, Mom”. I was quite thrilled, I thought this was quite the compliment. So I asked her why she had chosen me. She said it was because “ you don’t have to do anything. You just get to do what ever you want all day long”. My jaw almost hit the floor! So I kindly asked her who made sure her clothes were clean, who bought the food she eats, who cleaned her house, who cooked her food, who taught her lessons, .. And on and on. She got this quizzical look on her face and said “ well I guess that’s you”. Yeah!! I guess that is me… Who would have thunk? You mean all that stuff doesn’t get done by little fairies in the middle of the night?

Its interesting the things kids take for granted. I guess that is part of childhood innocence. So I guess it’s a good thing. They shouldn’t have to worry about bigger problems like that. And im glad that my daughter thinks that I don’t really do much, and that I get to choose what I do all day. I guess in actuality, I do. I am the one who chose to have 4 kids, and to homeschool. I chose this path in life. I love this path. I love being home with my kids, watching them grow everyday. Watching them become closer as siblings. Watching them learn. And deciding what they should be learning, and how to teach them those things. Just as a parent should be doing. So even as I walk through this life day after day, doing the same things today as I did yesterday. I am profoundly happy and intensely uneasy at the same time. I know that sooner or later this is going to come to an end. I am going to have to get a job outside the home, again. I am going to have to put my kids in childcare, again. Someone else is going to be raising my kids for a couple days a week, again. Even now as I am typing this, it brings tears to my eyes. These are my children. They should be home with me, and I should be home with them. That’s just the way it is supposed to be, with my family. But that is not the way it is going to be.

I moved to my piece of property with the intentions of breeding, raising and selling Nigerian dwarf goats. That is what I want to be doing. But after the move I ran out of money. Deposits were just too expensive, the moving truck was too expensive. Just everything cost more with this move than I had anticipated. So I ran out of money, and couldn’t start up my goats. This is an idea that I have wanted for quite awhile. This is a great way for me to make money, and stay home with my kids, while teaching them about chores and taking care of something other than themselves. I have always wanted to raise my kids in the country, with animals, chores and responsibilities like that. Well at least one part of my dream has come true. We are in the country. Trees all around us. It is beautiful. But we are flat broke.

I realized a couple years back that I really have no-one to depend on, except myself. I mean I have my mom. She helps me out a great deal right now, with my car being broke. She comes over and lets me use her car to go grocery shopping and stuff like that. And I have my sister. I know she will always be there for anything she can help with. But ultimately its just me. It is up to me to provide for my kids. Housing, food, clothing.. Everything. I cant depend on their dads for much of anything. One is a drug addict, who happens to be in jail at this very moment. And the other is working at the moment and pays a little child support, but I just found out that his job is ending soon. As will the child support. That is the money that I am pretty much living on right now. That is the money that pays the bills. So when it ends, I have no freakin clue what is going to happen to us. Praying a lot at the moment about that.

So, since my goats idea hasn’t worked out yet, since you need money to make money, and with the knowledge that I need to support my family somehow, I have decided to go back to school. Anyone that knows me, knows that school and I don’t get along. Never have. I never liked school, even in elementary school. Hated having to go. I dropped out my junior year, but had actually started skipping classes in middle school. But now I know that I have to go to school, to get some kind of degree, so I can get some kind of job, so I can support my kids.

So these have been my brain ramblings at night, after my youngest, #4, goes to bed. He is always the first one up and the last one to bed. I think he is allergic to sleep or something. So for those few quiet hours at night, before I turn in, I have been pondering school. I have actually started going to GED classes and will hopefully be able to take my GED tests quite soon. Which will mean I can enroll in school quite soon also. I am excited about and dreading school, all at the same time. I think I will do much better this time, but there isn’t anything that I WANT to be learning. I want to be doing the goat thing. And I want to be teaching childbirth classes. Or what would be even more awesome is if I could be doing my doula stuff. Which I did training in almost 5 years ago, but haven’t been able to do yet. But goats, childbirth classes and doula stuff just isn’t practical or possible right now.

So, through out my little “my time” when I can have my own “ non-mom” thoughts, they have often turned to school lately. Its not what I want to be doing, but I have to just remember that my kids depend on me. And this will give us a chance to have a better life. Have new shoes when we need them. Pay the bills without stressing. Play sports, have a working car. Just not be so much in poverty, hopefully.

So now that I have just rambled forever, I think this is the longest post in history. I think I will end now. Maybe go watch a movie or something. All the kids are gone for the weekend, so I actually get a whole weekend of “non-mom” thoughts. Crazy thought.. LOL Guess that’s where all this rambling came from.. LOL


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